101 More Ways To Kill Edward Cullen
by Alex McM
Summary: He's still alive. The plague known as Twilight is still spreading and there is only one solution. Edward Cullen must die...Again! Read on as Alucard and a host of other heroes from anime, games, books and movies kill Edward again...And again...And again!
1. 1 to 5

**101 More Ways To Kill Edward Cullen**

It's back! It's finally back! I'm back again you rabid fuckers! Huh? No don't leave! I'm sorry, please don't go, I need you! Besides you can't miss this! More blood, more guts, more glory, more and more of Edward Cullen dying in excruciating, agonizing pain! Your psychopathic bloodlust shall once again be quenched! Sit back, play some calming music and revel in the violence, the destruction and the desecration of the worlds #1 parasite!

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><p><strong>1 –<strong> **We'll Start Off Easy**

After waking from a terrifying dream in which all the world's nuclear warheads were launched at once, killing him and wiping out the entire world in a cataclysmic explosion that put the cheap, shitty special effects of the Twilight movies to shame, (Inhale) Edward realised it was necessary to change clothes since had just had an involuntary bladder explosion.

The task was simple; get up, go to the cupboard, pick out some new clothes and then put them on.

To any person that is pretty easy and straight-forward. To the mentally insufficient and unimaginably retarded creature known as Edward however this was a brain-wracking mission of immense proportions.

He tried getting out of bed, sliding out from under the blankets and stepping forward, however his foot was snagged under the sheets still and so he tripped and fell. He bruised his precious (In his eyes only) face and with a grumpy pout like an over-grown child stumbled over to the cup-board.

The old wooden cupboard loomed over him, standing well over three metres to reach the ceiling. It was not just remarkably tall either. It was heavy. Its frame would have weighed as much as an average car if not more. The walls were thick, the handles were made of solid ivory and it was stuffed full of enough clothes to make you think a woman was living here.

Well...

Edward managed to slip in the spreading puddles of his own 'leakage' before finally reaching the cupboard. He wrenched open the doors which creaked on rusted old hinges, forcing the pitiful excuse for a vampire to wet himself again.

He was now in a desperate hurry to change his clothes and rummaged through the two levels of racks which stored all his garments. He spotted his favourite pants right up the top and so he went up on the tips of his toes and stretched. Alas, he could not reach it...

So he tried again, lifting one leg up into the air to reach higher. He only just touched the tip of the pant leg, but was still far off from reaching it. This was going nowhere fast and so he decided with a brilliant idea and a light bulb above his head, that he would just jump up and grab it!

He stepped back to gain a run-up and then burst into a brief sprint to the storage space. He leapt high up into the air and caught hold of the upper rack, but in doing so momentum caused the cupboard to become unsteady and sway back and forth. It was going to fall!

So Edward dropped down, with his favourite pants of course and landed awkwardly on the smelly floor. The cupboard shrieked as it began to fall down upon him, its great shadow consuming the stupid little try-hard vampire bitch!

He let out a girly squeal of terror and scrambled towards safety, crawling like the insignificant bug that he was. His upper body became clear of the shadow and he saw victory just ahead, but then his hand slipped. After being placed in a slippery little puddle soaked into the floor, his left hand dropped out on him and he fell onto his stomach.

With little time to lose he tried to army crawl out of harm's way, but Edward was a worthless, pansy so he had no idea how to do the army crawl and thus did not get out of the way in time.

The heavy oak cupboard crashed down upon him, its thick roof bearing down upon his lower back and crushing his spinal cord. The force of the impact pushed his organ up into his ribcage in a hernia from Hell, cramming them together to the point that not only did they threaten to burst his rib-cage open, but also smother each other and gradually snuff each other out.

Edward was helpless. Unable to scream for help as his lungs could not inflate. He just lay there in agony while his body slowly and painfully shut down on him.

**2 – A Little More Complex**

Edward is performing renovations in his gigantic mansion again. Well technically it's not again, it has just been an ongoing project for several years now with multiple set-backs, often including Edward himself being maimed and killed. Oddly enough, Edward had not thought to hire contractors yet and still insisted on doing the renovations himself.

He glanced at the various stages throughout his house. Some were half-way through being done up and some had not even been started. It looked an unsightly mess to the homosexual male with the false label of 'vampire'.

He stared at a screwdriver resting on a paint can lid and started to back away. He had a bad experience with a screw-driver once (Number 21 in the first one) and so he became wary of the accursed tool. He decided to play it safe and instead took out a power drill because logic and common sense dictate that it is obviously safer to use a machine than to do something dangerous yourself. Screwdrivers are dangerous, power tools are better.

And so Edward moved to a patch of wall which required some brackets to hold up a shelf. The shelf would later hold his undeserved awards and accolades, something he had an abundance of lately.

The instructions were simple enough. Drill a hole into the wall where you want the brackets to go, then screw them in! That sounds easy right? Easy for most people at least. But for others...

Edward stared at the power drill as if it were some long lost magical artefact. He studied the trigger and furrowed his brow in concentration, not that there is anything to concentrate on, it's an on and off switch...Anyway he focused on the trigger and playfully prodded it like a curious child. The device rumbled and shook as the drill spun erratically. Edward yelped in fright and threw the scary machine across the room.

It sailed through the air, still whirring with a mechanical hum. It was headed towards the paint can...The pain can with the lid balanced precariously, half over the can and half off...A lid upon which rested the screwdriver, an old nemesis...

Edward noticed this and started fleeing the room and with good reason. The drill smacked down upon the paint can lid and like a see-saw it threw the screwdriver up into the air in the opposite direction. It somersaulted through the air like a throwing knife and soared closer and closer to the moronic vampire who bolted for the exits.

In his haste he tripped on the toolbox he had set aside and smacked the floor with a heavy thud. The screwdriver flew straight past him and collided with the liquor cabinet a few metres away. This resulted in an explosion of glass, sending sharp painful hail all over the room, slicing into the weak little vampire queen (Ha! He wishes!)

A pitiful wail of sheer agony escaped his pale lips and Edward crawled to his feet, injecting glass shards into his palms in the process. He stumbled through the kitchen in an attempt to reach the phone in the living room but tripped and fell on the slick tiled floor since his feet were soaked in whisky. He crawled the rest of the way, leaving a trail of sweet smelling alcohol along the way like a diseased slug.

It took a painfully long time to reach the table beside the couch and the wounded little creature extended a hand to snatch the phone, but it was not there! He choked on his own spittle and cursed. Where was the phone?

He scanned the room and found the cordless phone lying on the floor near the fire-place. Edward's eyes lit up like Roman candles (You'll get it soon enough) and lurched forward ever so slowly on his hands and knees. His expensive rug was covered in scattered spatterings of blood and other fluids but Edward did not care. He could buy a new rug another time. For now he just had to reach out and grab the phone.

He stretched his arm out and his fingertips only just scraped the plastic exterior of the phone. He tried again but ended up knocking it around so that it spun further out of reach. Edward cursed and pushed his body further. He reached out again and caught hold of the phone.

He let out a triumphant cheer, or at least tried to. It sounded like the strangled squeal of a butchered pig. That was because a little sparkling cinder spat out from the open fire and landed on the abominable creature's arm and instantly started to sizzle.

Within ten seconds Edward's body was ablaze and it was quickly spreading around the house. The gay little vampiress died in agony, burnt to ashes alongside his home...

...All because of the screwdriver!

**3 – Look Both Ways**

While chasing a shiny red ball down the street, Edward unwittingly runs out into a busy intersection, forgetting to look both ways or to actually look at all. A hybrid car slams into the stupid vampire whose frail womanly frame fails to damage the car but does scare the living shit out of the passengers.

After identifying the mangled corpse that had been plastered to the front windscreen and confirming that it was very much dead they drove off and promptly sold the car on Ebay, still with Edward Cullen pasted on the front. It fetches a high price and Hybrid cars become a collector's item.

They may not have looked both ways, but they did look the other way in regards to the vampiric disgrace and so we're all happy.

**4 –** **Good Samaritan**

It was a nice day for a stroll. A lovely, sunny day with a perfect cloudy sky. With this in mind, Edward sought to stroke his ego by taking a walk around town just so he could be recognised by passers-by. In order to look inconspicuous and make his encounters spontaneous he hastily snatched up a newspaper that was four months old, but one that he used in these situations often because the front and back pages were covered in Twilight propaganda.

He would deliberately stroll out in front of traffic just so they would blare their horns at him because in Edward's deluded little world that equated to publicity. They were longing because they recognised him! Ah, he was so beloved...

Bullshit!

On this delightful stroll through town many people stared, many glared, many threw things at him, tokens in his mind, offerings to their god. Ah, he was so beloved!

On this walk he took another detour through oncoming traffic. There were cars up ahead in the road and by the time they slowed down they would surely notice him and then he would be showered in praise and good will from his adoring public. That was how it always went down.

But not this time.

Edward skipped out into the middle of the road, the newspaper still up around his face. A faded facsimile of his own face was plastered on the front smiling like the smug jackass he was.

The motorists further ahead did indeed notice. They all did. They recognised him because only one fuckwit ever stumbled out into the middle of traffic, dancing like a fairy and waving about the same fucking newspaper every single day! He was notorious around these parts.

One motorist took notice and scowled. An old man sat beside him with a book and a clip-board taking notes and giving instructions. A dull little card was wedged between the license plates of this little old compact. The plates bore a little 'L' in black block lettering.

The man gave instructions but the young man did not listen, he was fixated on the dancing idiot in the road. He immediately put his foot down on the accelerator and swung across into the next lane. He took aim and steadied himself, ignoring the cries of the instructor.

Edward still danced on in the middle of the road, oblivious to the oncoming traffic. He heard the roar of an engine and the honking of a horn and began to blush. Ah, he was so beloved-

'THUD!'

The compact little car slammed into the fairy prince and Edward was sent flying. He smacked into the road and scraped along, his sparkling skin shaved off on the rough tarmac along the way. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the clear blue sky, but it was soon drowned out by a dull metallic grey.

Then the tyres moved over him, crushing him. One tyre rolled over his legs, pressing down on his knee until it bent inward and shattered into a million pieces. Before he could even scream the tyre on the other side rolled over his face. His right cheek caved in and his teeth were split up and scattered around his skull. His tiny brain was pushed up against the left side of his head but the rest of his forehead soon collapsed in on itself, sharpened fragments of bone piercing the brain like a balloon. Edward's eyes exploded out of his skull, bursting with audible 'pop's. Blood splattered across the two lane street and all traffic ceased, but the compact kept on going.

The back tyre ran back over the pulpy mess that was Edward's head. The mushy pile of brain matter was flattened into a stale, foul-smelling pancake and the rest of his shattered cranium was broken into brittle little pieces. More blood splattered out onto the roadway.

Two days later all repairs to the car were willingly paid for by the government and the learner driver was awarded his black license.

**5 -** **Good Samaritan (Alternative)**

It was a nice day for a stroll. A lovely, sunny day with a perfect cloudy sky. With this in mind, Edward sought to stroke his ego by taking a walk around town just so he could be recognised by passers-by. In order to look inconspicuous and make his encounters spontaneous he hastily snatched up a newspaper that was four months old, but one that he used in these situations often because the front and back pages were covered in Twilight propaganda.

Edward strolled through the crowded walkways anticipating meetings with his under-aged and mindless fans but none such encounters occurred. Edward continued to walk along the side-walk, going unnoticed by the general public.

Persistent right until the very end, Edward kept on walking for hours, obliviously walking into the bad part of town. He heard hushed whispers and running footsteps and the light of hope shone down upon him, making his skin sparkle in a needless display of pathetic and needless extravagance.

Edwards pride as cut down when a knife sailed through the printed copy of his face and promptly continued on until it sliced through his cheek.

Stunned, Edward jumped back, but like always he wasn't looking where he was going and fell back. He stared up at a homeless man wielding a rusted steak knife that was probably thrown out by one of the nearby restaurants. The homeless man snarled and stood over his prey.

Edward stammered hopelessly and raised his hands in defence, feebly screaming incoherent promises. "Please spare me! I'll give you a ticket to the Breaking Dawn premiere!"

Guess how the homeless man responded1 No seriously guess! Guess you lazy sack of shi- 'Ahem' Sorry...Never mind.

The homeless man indeed took the tickets. But immediately afterwards he drove the knife deep into Edward's gut and killed him. He then went to the movie premiere of the ill-fated piece of garbage and slaughtered everyone who had voluntarily watched the damn thing.

He now lives in an extravagant house.

Edwards's corpse was found in a restaurant dumpster. The local homeless population sustain themselves on the fresh meat and are ever grateful.

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><p><span>Now it's your turn. Send in your requests. The first 101 ways were easy enough to come up with, but reaching 202 is a different matter! So come on, send in your morbid requests and suggestions and chances are they will be featured in this grim collection of macabre musings.<span> So give the dog a bone, it will free your hands so you can choke the life out of that sparkling faggot! 

Review! review now!


	2. 6 to 10

Oh my god you don't know good it feels to be back! I've been stricken with so much school work I've been unable to write anything for months. My writers block was agonising and even when I had spare time i couldn't write because my brain had been fried. But here I am! I'm back! 

Now word of warning, this chapter crosses certain lines that once crossed are impossible to return from. Also a shout-out to SabreToothLioness for finally curing my writers block with your awesome suggestion and also to Killuminator whose suggestions have also been compiled into this latest action packed chapter. Enjoy you savage little fuckers and don't forget to review!

**6 –** **Hot Tub**

After a long hard day of doing...Well nothing, Edward had managed to work up quite a sweat (It's a real workout stroking an ego that large) and as general rules of hygiene state, this called for a bath. Now you'd think that's an easy thing to do right?

Wrong!

Edward stared at the taps as if they were gun barrels, and well yes to a three year old child there is a slight resemblance, but even then a three year old child wouldn't actually become terrified of them and react as if they were indeed gun barrels. Only someone truly special would react that way.

Guess who. Seriously if you get this wrong you can just stop reading right now and go home! I'm serious!

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right, bath time!

So being an ignorant tool and inexplicable very afraid of the taps and the many staring eyes of the shower head Edward decided to fill up the tub via some other, safer means. And so he rifled through the medicine cabinet, which by the way did not have, nor ever had medicine in it. He did however find a couple of large vials of still water.

The water was a little bit murky but at least it wasn't spewing out of a gun barrel. Edward never realised water was such a complicated word to write. He also never realised that there was no 'w' in water and it actually started with an 'h'. Funny huh?

Edward found himself entranced by the pretty colourful labels and symbol on the outside of the vials. The little skulls were especially cute. Edward giggled as he poured the contents into the tub. It must have been boiling water because the tub was steaming upon contact.

Invigorated by the smell of smouldering ceramics Edward began to disrobe, causing many fan-girls around the world to have sudden body-wracking shudders and subsequently mysterious and unexplained multiple orgasms. A typical reaction I suppose...

Anyway as the steam thankfully created just the right amount of coincidental censorship to keep this story from gaining an MA rating and scarring you and me for life Edward approached the tub. He dipped his toes in and instantly felt intense warmth rippling through him. He let out a deep sigh and slid his feet down into the tub while slowly lowering himself in a position that once again was thankfully obscured by thick steam and for some reason rays of light.

Edward sighed again as the water polled up towards his neck. He was almost fully submerged when he rested his head against the ceramic wall behind him and closed his eyes.

It was a scene worthy of Girlfriend magazine or unnecessary fanservice for the next Twilight movie however it soon turned sour.

Edward opened his eyes after a while when he felt substantially lighter than he had when he stepped into the tub.

"What the...Didn't I have skin before?"

Hmm tasty right?

"AAAAAAGGGHHH! Where is my skin?"

Edward screamed in a shrill tone that made the water ripple around him. He quickly scrambled to his feet, splashing the corrosive water over the floor which inexplicably began melting.

Edward wrapped a towel around himself, but the fancy woven fabric of his personally monogrammed bath towel eroded against his skin, the molten strands of cotton knotting in with the sinewy strips of mutilated muscle tissue clinging to his bleached white bones. Edward cried out in agony and tripped on the space where a bath mat had once been but was now just a hole in the tiled floor.

As he crashed down to the floor Edward swept his gaze over the empty vial once more and re-read the name. "Hydrochloric acid? I don't think that's water!"

Clap, clap.

"ARGH! It burns!"

Edward tried to pat down his stinging wounds but as he raised his fingers close to his eyes he notices the flesh peeling away as if worked upon by an invisible Jamie Oliver. The skin flapped down to the floor where they slowly disintegrated into vapour. Edward continued screaming however he was just breathing in the vapour which reacted with the water in his bodily systems to become acid once again within his innards. The corrosive acid in his stomach, much the same as that which filled his tub had soon spilled out after the stomach wall had been eroded from the outside. As the two acids mixed together into a toxic, ultra-corrosive stew Edward let out one last scream before gradually turning into a pool of goopy cream-coloured mush.

I don't know about you guys...But I would have just used the taps...

And remember kids: Hydrochloric acid. It isn't water!

**7 –** **Bath Time!**

Supposing Edward wasn't a pathetic little puss in boots who was terrified of the bath taps shaped vaguely like gun barrels and had actually taken a bath the proper way, things might have gone well. He disrobed causing unusual episodic flashes of ecstasy amongst his fan-girls and awkwardly positioned himself in the tub, once again thankfully censored by steam and strategically placed rays of light.

While washing his stringy hair Edward frowned. He realised that his hair became soppy and wet when he got it wet (Who would have thought?) and promptly made a face like a toddler on the verge of a supermarket tantrum.

This could not be! He had to dry his hair quickly and do away with the damage before anyone saw him! How awful it would be if the world caught a glimpse of his hair in such a state and not carefully brushed and rebrushed and combed and sprayed and styled and sprayed and combed.

Then sprayed again...

He had to move fast, lest the paparazzi emerge from the toilet again (Boy was that an awkward photo-op) and so he leaned over to scour through the cupboard beside the tub and snatched out his trusty and faithful hair-dryer which he had named Stephanie after the woman who had given him the power of control over the masses...

Of preteen girls...

Stephanie beckoned him with her silent, inquisitive stare. Edward grinned smugly as he plugged the plug into the socket and draped the cord down around himself. It floated so carefully around his pasty chest and like a child he prodded it and giggled before adjusting the setting on the dry and directing it at his own head.

Edward pulled the trigger.

Everything went black. And I don't mean there was a black-out.

Edward was filled with a lethal dose of electricity and slumped over in the water which had now become a murky broth of faecal matter after Edward had an involuntary reflexive anal blow-out (Classy!)

His corpse was discovered soon after, but authorities decided to wait until the smell would fade away before checking in. Even then an investigation was not desired and all involved really wanted to leave the room so it was declared a suicide and left at that.

The photos of Edward's corpse and resultant scatological soup can be found on shock sites everywhere. It's become the new 2 girls 1 cup.

Edwards's legacy lives on...

**8 –** **Smashing**

Edward is handed an eviction notice for not paying his rent. But it's not his fault. There is little money to be made now that the preteen slaves from several years ago have begun to grow up and realise he is a waste of oxygen.

Rebellious at heart, Edward refused to leave. Honestly if he could find a chain and had the mental capacity and coordination skills to chain himself to his own house he would do it, but that was pretty much asking for the moon and was doubtful to ever happen.

So instead Edward sulked inside his large house which was lacking furniture now since the repo men had decided to ransack it one fateful night when he was out on the town with his co-workers doing an 'in-store-appearance' at the local soup kitchen.

Edward looked out the window at the demolition crew that had been lingering outside for weeks now. Their threats were that the house would be knocked down by the end of the month if he didn't pay up and Edward wasn't going to be able to pay up. Solid gold phallic statues are expensive and Edward had put himself in debt by buying a baker's dozen (Why would you want one let alone a whole dozen? I wouldn't take them if they were free!) and so he was in deep monetary strife.

All he could hope for would be that they would avoid destroying the house while he squatted there. It had to work! They could never hurt the one and only Edward Cullen! He was a national treasure! He was a god! He was a vampire (Self-proclaimed, but we have our doubts)

Edward became caught up, as usual, in his egomaniacal game of one upsmanship with himself where the only rule is that each thought must be more extravagant and complimentary to himself than the last. It's really fun when you are a pathetic self-absorbed and personally deified dick-head!

But a word of warning: This game is distracting. Case in point one Edward Cullen.

So engrossed in his blimp-headed game, Edward never heard the rumbling thunder of heavy machinery outside, nor did he hear the grating squeal of chains and wires stretching. In fact his only real clue that something was amiss was when he first heard the dry-wall crumbling under the stress of a wrecking ball. By then Edward had just enough time to display an expression of general confusion and also disappointment that his compliment game would go on unfinished.

Barely a second later Edward's bones were converted to dust and his general shape, like that of a human being, had shifted into a sparkling, fleshy blob of flesh filled with liquefied offal, powdered bone and believe it or not, a brain (thought it was small to begin with and had soon become a dented lump of inactive grey matter)

The land went up for sale and was bought out by a local veterinarian who set up a petting zoo.

**9 –** **Beauty Salon**

After a series of terrible sunburns from various outdoor escapades Edward decided to work on his horrible pale skin. I mean sure half of the paleness comes from a dusting of flour every morning, but he really is pale and he really did need some help.

But melanomas are scary so Edward decided to go through the safest route to get up a tan without getting cancer. That's right! He went to a beauty salon!

Under the logic that "Well solarium sounds scientific. Science is a good thing right?" Edward went in and booked a session in one of the cancer beds- I mean sunbeds.

A pretty young thing stood by him as he got in and patiently listened to him blabber on about how important and awesome he was, desperately fighting on to stay awake long enough to arouse him from his sunbed when his allotted time was up.

But that was a downhill battle.

Twelve hours later the girl woke up and smelled something like grilled cheese. She quickly opened the lid on the smouldering coffin and discovered what could only be described as human waffles (You mileage may vary, but it might be worse than blue waffles...)

It took three weeks to peel that damn mess off of that bed and the machine had to be destroyed because Edward's sticky cream-cheese-like flesh had seeped into the circuits and broken the bloody thing. However a signature 'Cullen Cooker' solarium was unveiled and is popular among the general public. It is now the most commonly used sunbed in the world, followed only by the 'Beiber Boiler' and the 'Stephanie Steaming Meyer Melter'

**10 –** **Boner**

Ever tried to pee but you just couldn't? Like something was blocking it? Like a kidney stone or something? Well you understand Edwards's predicament then. You see Edward had been jerked awake from a sound sleep to relieve himself when he realised the tap wasn't working. The pipe was busted somehow and it was just leaking (Plumbing puns really don't help create a better image do they?)

Edward panicked. He tried [censor]ing his [censor] to try and get the [censor] flowing but that didn't work. He tried it again and somewhat succeeded, but he still didn't pee (I think I've crossed a line here. I just threw up in my own mouth a little...)

He tried pushing really hard with all the force he could muster, squatting over the toilet in agony and frustration like a white guy after eating Indian food. He closed his eyes, clenched his teeth and willed his body to push it out.

It half worked.

Wrong end though.

Exhausted, in pain and unimaginably humiliated, Edward ran out of options. There was only one thing left to do! You know what I'm talking about don't you! (Well one of you does...)

Edward rummaged through his bathroom cupboards and procured a piece of whale bone (Because, you know, we all have one lying around...) and set his sights upon his target. He felt a little queasy but that's understandable. Very understandable. The only hard part to understand was why anyone in their right mind would-

"AAAAaaaaAArrRRGGNNNGGGmmm!" A cry of such unimaginable pain that it is hard to fathom. But once again understandable considering Edward just-

Excuse me...

…

…

…

…

…

Okay I'm back. Just had to throw up. Now Edward collapsed to his knees and whimpered in sheer excruciating agony, but it was too late, the job was done. Aside from not actually fixing the problem, Edward had just made his 'situation' worse.

There are certain places whale bones aren't meant to go and...Well this was one of them.

Edward hunched over and chewed at his lower lip as he tried to twist the jagged shard of bone out of his [censor] tract but instead inadvertently split his [censor] apart, in essence peeling it apart like a banana.

I think I crossed that line again...

Needless to say, Edward did not recover. In fact the pain was so intense he actually suffered a stroke and a heart-attack all at the same time, culminating in an entirely unnecessary release of...You know what I'm not going to say it. You can use your imagination. Have fun kids!

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><p><span>Well that was painful for everyone involved. When you're done filling that bucket by your side remember to click on the little box down there and review. Sweet dreams!<span>


	3. 11 to 15

**11** – **Dying for an Update**

With no gigs for '101 More Ways to Kill Edward Cullen' and no more dreadful movies to make, Edward simply drains all of his resources left over from his previous success (To use the term loosely) It's no surprise that it doesn't last him long and after squandering his cash on expensive food that he doesn't even eat and indulging in gambling in games he doesn't understand or pleasures that don't pleasure him he is soon left with only the shirt on his back and a house with no running water or electricity.

Not understanding what exactly happened Edward simply sits in his house and waits for everything to return to normal (Because in the movies you only have to wait 80 minutes for everything to return to normal!)

Three weeks later a postman delivering eviction notices and final warnings from debt collectors discovers Edward curled up in the foetal position in a puddle of urine and other foul spewages. The malnourished pale creature is dead and at last everything in the world has returned to normal before Twilight first came out.

* * *

><p><strong>12<strong> – **Fuckwit-no-jutsu**

When you have a lot of money to burn you usually end up splurging on impulse on something you don't actually want or need or didn't even think of buying earlier. Well Edward always has a lot of money spilling out of his pockets so he tends to impulse buy a hell of a lot.

On his latest binge Edward buys the entire collection of Naruto because...Well honestly the only reason he bought it was because it was there and it took up a lot of shelf space. Anyway since he no longer has a job and only get by on his immense wealth and royalties and such he had a lot of spare time to get through a couple (Read as 400+) episodes.

As with any impressionable little child Edward is positively inspired by Naruto's ninja powers and begins practising his fail-no-jutsu in the living room. It involves hopping around the room trying to do roundhouse kicks but rather than hit invisible and ultimately imaginary enemies instead smashing expensive furniture and making a mess of the house while yelling like a fucking lunatic.

Thankfully no-one is around to witness the shameful and pitiful act and Edward's pride escapes unscathed-

Ha ha ha! Sorry, I couldn't help but laugh at that. Anyway back to the story!

Edward sees himself as an elite ninja now and after a quick re-watch Edward becomes mystified by the ninja's abilities to fly like birds from tree to tree. It looks pretty damn fun and there is no further need to convince Edward that this is a worthwhile venture.

Besides, vampires can fly can't they?

And so Edward scans his backyard (Which is actually a natural forest reserve) and finds the tallest trees nestled in the heart of the canopy. After spending a good hour and a half climbing up the trees to the point that the ground is no longer visible beneath the thick dense blanket of leaves Edward is finally satisfied with his position and crouches precariously on a branch.

"He he he, Naruto is so awesome! But I'm even cooler than him! I'm a best ninja in the entire village!"

It took a while for the brainwave to hit.

"Oh...Right, I'm a vampire...Well fuck it! I'm a ninja as well! I'm a vampire ninja! Yeah! That's cool! That's heaps cool!"

After a brief (read as fifteen minute) conversation with himself ladled with unnecessary and definitely untrue compliments Edward reaffirms his position on the branch and leans slightly forward like an Olympic diver.

An external internal monologue ensues as Edward voices his mental instructions on how to remain calm and believe in one's self and a bit of drabble to pad out the minutes. Eventually Edward's eyes flash a brilliantly uninspiring shade of dull white and his grin spreads beyond what is humanly possible.

"Edward-no-jutsu!" he cries as he propels himself from the branch into the open air. The wind sweeps through his hair and Edward soars with the grace of a duck with Down's syndrome. It's incredible, amazing, wonderful!

It's...

Suicidal...

Edward suddenly comes to the realisation that he forgot to plan where he would jump to and so he thrashes about in the air a couple of hundred metres above the ground. He quickly spots a thick sturdy branch down below and spreads his body flat out as a sort of parachute and to control his fall. He aims for the branch but falls with too much speed and momentum. There is not enough time, nor enough strength in his muscles to change his position for the landing and so Edward's ribs collide with crushing ferocity against the branch. There is a lot of cracking going on but whether it is the branch of Edward's brittle ribs is not certain.

The branch splinters and Edward plummets further, falling faster than the branch he disappears into the canopy which softens his fall slightly. However beneath the canopy is a network of branches which form a safety net for the unfortunate flailing vampire ninja and his fall is safely secures as he smacks into the with the force of a speeding car.

Badly winded and struggling for breath, but otherwise safe and sound, Edward lets out a sigh of release which is soon choked out as the branch from before plummets through his midsection and impales him.

Edward screams but blood coagulates in the back of his throat and he begins to suffocate. He writhes about enough to loosen the net of branches and fall further down, crashing through thin branches on the way down. In some time he finally reaches the ground with a jarring thud and a cloud of dust spat into the air.

When the dust settles a dead vampire ninja is all that is left. The vampire ninja is now extinct after only surviving in the wild for about 45 minutes.

* * *

><p><strong>13<strong> – **Light-Hearted Suicide**

The light goes out in the bathroom. Edward roams the house and fishes through cupboards looking for a spare light-globe but after ten minutes realises he is looking inside the oven. After a shamed giggle he sets off to the cupboard and finds a globe at last.

Next he finds a ladder. It's not too hard they are long and have rungs. Ovens have neither of those. Edward runs back into the bathroom and fumbles around in the dark mumbling, "Where the hell is the light-switch?"

…

"Oh right, it went out..."

Genius!

Edward sets up the ladder and in the darkness fumbles around again for the light bulb. He catches hold of it and tries to pry it out of the socket but it is held firm. Not one to think of simply twisting it and pulling but rather skipping step 1 and starting with step 2 Edward wrestles with the bulb and eventually tears it free, along with a portion of the roof. The momentum throws him off the ladder and he fall into the bath-tub, smacking his head against the ceramic wall.

Edwards sees stars and thinks they are pretty.

When the daze is past Edward gets the new light bulb and climbs back up the ladder. In the absence of light Edward can't see the now exposed wiring and somehow can't recognise the sparkling blue forks of light spitting out from the broken circuits. Well it's not like vampires have good night vision of anything...

Edward takes one look at the bulb, which is ironic in itself since he can't actually see it and then drives it into the hole in the roof, quite forcefully. Edward's hand sinks through a mesh of torn and exposed wires and feels a surge of energy you can't get from a can of Red Bull and suddenly convulses violently. He can smell his flesh and his hair burning and his heart drops in and out of beating sporadically. There is a vibrant flash of light and Edward is hurled across the room to once again collapse in the tub but this time he really hits it hard. So hard that the tiles crack under the pressure of the collision with his skull and break apart.

Edward lands awkwardly on his neck and lies there bleeding from his eyes mouth and nose while his heart beats erratically and his skin sizzles slowly. He dies in agony and all alone in the dark.

* * *

><p><strong>14<strong> – **Light Hearted Homicide**

Edward is in Tokyo for a promotional tour of the Blu-Ray release of one of his shitty movies and after a quick photo-op he is off wandering the streets. After a while the fool becomes hungry and so he enters a small store to buy something to whet his appetite.

A row of shelves full of chips draws his eye and Edward shuffles over like a zombie. He wanders too slowly however because a young college student ends up buying the packet of chips he was mysteriously fixated upon. Now sure there were a lot of packets of that exact same brand and flavour, but Edward wanted _that _one.

He followed the student around the store and ended up trailing him to the fruit stalls outside. Edward spotted a delicious apple which the student snatched out of his grasp as well.

Edward was getting angry now. Very angry. He had reached his limit. It was time for vengeance!

The boy returned home with Edward squatting outside in the dumpster for a while until he felt the coast was clear (Which it had been from the beginning. He just wanted to hide because he saw people do it in the cartoons.) It was nightfall by the time Edward crawled out and approached the door. It was locked but Edward's long fingernails made short work of the lock (Yes that is surprisingly useful!) and slipped inside.

An older woman was cooking dinner with her back turned to him. Edward slunk past him and approached the stairs. He glimpsed a young girl in the living room watching television. Some news story was on about a mysterious killer named 'Kira'. Edward thought nothing of it and crawled up the stairs.

He found the boys room by smell alone. He could smell those chips!

He slid up against the door and tried the handle. It was locked. Once again Edward used his girlishly long fingernails to some good use and broke through the lock. The door opened silently and Edward almost let out a sigh of relief but managed to catch himself before he blew his cover.

The boy was sitting at his desk, facing away from him, hunched over a notebook and scribbling madly. He was giggling to himself and babbling about something Edward didn't have the mental strength to understand. Edward didn't care anyway.

He just wanted those chips!

The bag of chips lay on the desk, left open so that the dazzling aroma of cooked and seasoned potatoes wafted out throughout the room. Edward was salivating as the boy drew out a chip and snarled, "I'll take a potato chip...And EAT IT-"

Edward snatched the chip away and ate it himself.

The boy whirled around in his chair and roared, "Whoa, what the hell do you think you're doing? Those are my chips!"

A stand-off ensued.

"How dare you ruin my plan!"

"What plan?"

"Huh?" The boy looked nervous, as if he had said something he shouldn't have. He quickly composed himself, "Oh nothing. Never mind. But anyway those are _my_ chips! And besides, how did you get in here?"

Edward smirked, "I used my vampire powers!"

"Vampire? Aha! That's it! You're that vampire in those movies aren't you? Edward Cullen!"

Edward bowed and grinned, "It is I, the greatest vampire in the world!"

The boy looked around and suddenly let out a light chuckle. "Wow, can I have your autograph?" He handed the vampire a sheet of note paper and a pen and silently watched and waited as Edward wrote his signature. "Thanks so much Mr Cullen!" the boy beamed.

"No problem uh..."

"Oh right, I never introduced myself. My name is," the boy's eyes suddenly glowed red and a vicious, evil aura enveloped him, "My name is Light Yagami and I am Kira!"

None of this really meant anything to Edward who simply nodded and smiled. "Well it's nice to meet you Light, by the way, could I have those chips?"

Light grinned devilishly, "Sure. It shall serve as your last meal."

Edward didn't pick up on the fact that those words were laced in poison and simply strolled off eating chips. He barely made it to the door when suddenly his heart seized up and he collapsed to the floor.

Light retrieved the bag of chips, sat down and grinned. "Now...I take a potato chip...And EAT IT!"

* * *

><p><strong>15<strong> – **A Bad review**

Light is flicking through TV stations to keep updated on his own cause as well as to find more victims. All the channels are displaying breaking news of more criminals dying and the progress of the Kira case, but one channel is playing a movie. The fact that this movie transcended the news of Kira's latest victims mystified Light and so he felt compelled to watch it.

An hour and a half later Light was very angry.

45 seconds later Edward had a heart attack.

The next day the world rejoiced.

* * *

><p><span>Well I hope you enjoyed that. A shout-out to EternalSyzygy for most of these ideas. Now if you did enjoy that how about you review. Any suggestions are welcome and any advice or praise is welcome too. <span>


	4. 16 to 20

Well it's been a long time coming but here it is folks! The next deranged, blood-soaked installment of '101 More Ways...' It's a late Christmas present but that's only because Santa decided to fuck off because he thought the Mayan apocalypse was real! Thanks to those who have submitted their suggestions so far (you'll know who you are soon enough) Enjoy and please review!

* * *

><p>16 – <strong>Drugs Are Bad<strong>

One day a little piggy went to market. But this story isn't about that so never mind. More importantly (and more relevant I might add) Edward went to an independent green grocer's one day and spent much of his time wondering what anything inside it was. For a vegetarian vampire he was fairly new to the whole fruits and vegetables thing and also he was fairly hesitant to eat a salad, mourning the poor lettuce that were sacrificed all for a meal.

In the end Edward went with some sesame seeds and bought several kilograms worth of them.

That night Edward exhausted his entire supply of sesame seeds and for the next several hours was stuck on a strange high that kicked any sugar-surge's ass.

By 5 in the morning he suddenly crashed back down to earth and passed out.

It was then that it happened...

"Huh? Where am I?" he asked aloud although he was quite sure he was alone in the middle of the street. As he slowly looked around he took notice of 'them' and by 'them' I mean the brightly coloured fluffy things eyeing him from across the road.

"Ooh, they're so cute! I wanna hug 'em!" Edward crawled on his hands and knees before slowly launching into a mad sprint towards 'them', which was fairly pointless and unwarranted granted that the fluffy creatures lacked any visible legs and so could not move.

"Hey, hey, hey! Where am I? What are you guys supposed to be? Can I have a hug? Do you want an autograph?"

Edwards questions gushed out like urine between a frightened toddler's legs, startling the furry little fuckers (Don't worry, the alliteration makes it sound less mean!)

After sharing glances between themselves the creatures placed half their hands in their mouths and whistled like farmers.

Anticipating a show Edward became overly excited as more and more of the critters crawled out from just about every nook and cranny in the street. How that was logistically possible is anyone's guess but it happened nonetheless.

For no apparent reason an Asian man strolled through the melee and cast a curious glance at the out of place vampire. "Boy, you're in for it now buddy." he muttered on his way past before moving out of sight.

"Fucking tourists!" Edward snarled under his breath, blatantly ignoring the irony of the situation.

Regardless, there were more pressing matters at hand. One such matter being the presence of military grade fire-arms in the hands of the feisty furries. A sweet little red fellow popped up alongside a towering...

I suppose it could be a chicken?

Well, whatever it was, it was definitely a big bird.

The little red thing produced a German WWII pistol and fired three times in the air.

"Elmo wants blood!"

The others let out a fierce battle cry and advanced somehow considering they had nothing from the waist down to propel them anywhere. Edward let out a shrill scream and ran for his life, taking note of the street sign on his way past.

Sesame Street...

"What is going on?! Is this because of the seeds? I don't get it!"

"He's around the corner!" the big bird roared, his ungainly large shadow creeping out to stalk the frightened vampire princess.

After winding through endlessly confusing streets and alleys, the exhausted vampire arrived at a dead-end and made to instantly back out, only to bump into a wall of soft fuzzy flesh. Craning his neck ever so slowly he caught sight of a purple fellow in an outfit that was like _so_ last century. His monocle dangled from half open eyes and a wide fanged maw greeted his wandering stare.

"Found you!" he decreed with a booming voice, followed by a strangely asthmatic laughter that resembled someone struggling to breathe. That or a very lazy actor trying to feign an orgasm.

"W-w-what the hell is this?!"

The half man that resembled an ageing count pulled out a revolver and started loading the chamber, methodically counting each bullet as he slid them into their slot.

"One bullet, ah, ah, ah! Two bullets, ah, ah, ah! Three bullets-"

"Help!" Edward cried, clawing at the walls behind him in a desperate attempt to get away. Thankfully what appeared to be a brick wall was simply made of cardboard and he fell through into the next street.

Unfortunately, his lucky break only landed him in hot water as the rest of the gun-toting gang assembled around him.

Surrounded and at gun-point, Edward bowed his head and sobbed, "Why? Why are you doing this?!"

The one who proclaimed himself Elmo rose to the task of answering the question. "It's because you need to wake up silly!"

"What?!"

"Can you count to three?"

"Shut up! Go away! GO AWAY!"

He missed the count-down but he was right on time for the explosive thunder of each and every gun going off at once.

"AAAAAAAAHH!"

Edward sprang up in bed and glanced around the room in a daze. He ran outside still in his underpants (Much to the delight of fan-girls world-wide and the chagrin of actual people.) and scanned the street.

He was no longer in Sesame Street!

"Oh thank god I'm safe..." he sighed as he stumbled about in the darkened twilight street, returning inside to try and get back to bed. Unfortunately, he couldn't and so he was resigned to stay up and wait for dawn which should be an easy task for a _real_ vampire.

After a while, Edward got hungry and rummaged his cupboards for food, only finding one of the discarded bags of sesame seeds, with only one seed left inside. Like an addict craving his fix Edward salivated over the seed and quickly downed it.

He then choked to death on said seed.

In the following weeks Sesame Street gained inexplicably higher ratings.

* * *

><p>17 – <strong>Wrong Side of the Street<strong>

After having a terrible nightmare the night before, Edward is hesitant to go to his latest publicity stunt, but the allure of more money seems to win out in the end of the day and so Edward gets dressed up for his TV spot on a little children's show called Sesame Street.

Finding the place without the use of opiates in seeds this time Edward arrives on the set to find the lovable furry fellows singing and dancing (From the waist up) and telling stories and laughing and counting and spelling etc.

The noise and chatter dies down considerably at his arrival and although it's impossible for their little faces to show any expression other than happiness due to their stiff mouths and lidless eyes and total lack of eyebrows, Edward can't shake off the idea that they are all staring daggers at him.

Nonetheless the show must go on and the shooting is under way. After failing to count to ten more than ten times the directors give up on siding Edward with the Count to count bats and instead move him alongside Elmo to do some spelling exercises.

They are doubtful.

And rightfully so, as Edward misspells the word 'Vampire' eight times in a row, the closest he got included a silent 'g'.

A five minute break is called for the humans and a few of the puppets to go have a smoke and a beer and try and forget why they've been stalled in their shooting all fucking day.

Edward leans against the wall of a bakery and reads a tabloid spread about himself while Elmo sits idly in the corner, eyeing him with his usually cute beady little eyes.

"Um, excuse me Edward? Can Elmo have a little chat with you?"

"Huh? Oh sure. What's wrong Elmo?"

"Oh nothing really..." said the red fur-ball, shaking his entire body from left to right rather than just shake his head making him appear to be doing a rain-dance rather than answer the question. "It's just...Elmo is sad..."

"Sad? Why?!" Edward was almost on the verge of tears at the mere thought of the poor little furry thing being sad.

"Well...Elmo's friends are all moving away. Elmo's friends don't want to talk to him anymore. Elmo's friends are interested in someone else..."

"Aw, that's so sad. You should get back at the bastard who has stolen your friends!"

Elmo looked up, "Really?"

"Yeah! Don't let anyone get in your way! Do whatever it takes to get back on top!"

"Really, really?" Elmo asked, his voice rising as he spoke.

"Absolutely! I'll even help out!"

"Okay! Stand over there against the wall!"

Not understanding the point behind the request but glad to help out a friend Edward stood against the wall.

"Now close your eyes."

He did.

'Click'

He couldn't help but open his eyes.

All of a sudden Elmo was packing heat. "This is for stealing Elmo's children!"

Millions of children around the world watched on as a live feed of Edward being mown down was broadcast to the confused young girls around the world. Having established himself as the alpha male Elmo's popularity rose sharply as the brain-washed fan-girls jumped ship as Edward sank into the gutter in a pool of his own blood.

* * *

><p>18 – <strong>Blown Away<strong>

Edward has been trying to get his kite to fly for weeks but to no avail. The wind is never strong enough, or it's raining etc. Desperate to one day fly his kite Edward goes online to search for a place with better weather conditions, more acclimatised to flying a kite.

Nothing much seems to work, though his search unveils multiple extreme weather warnings for the coast of the US regarding a large hurricane.

Scrolling right past the evacuation notice, Edward becomes overly excited and grabs his kite.

After a several hour drive to the California coast Edward whips out his little beauty (His _kite_ you sick fuck!) and marches towards a cliff. With high ground and the wind already picking up Edward's kite really goes flying and like a happy child on Christmas he giggles and laughs innocently.

It's such an amazing, indescribable feeling. Edward felt like he as flying, but that's understandable because he was indeed flying.

Swept off the cliff and hurtling through the sky whilst bound to his kite, Edward's joy quickly turned to fear and the laughter melted into screams of terror.

Black clouds and raging winds approached as Edward managed to lower his altitude a little, but he was quickly blown off-course, though at the very least that was back towards the cliff. Unfortunately he was below the cliff's precipice, not above it.

With another fierce gust of wind Edward was thrown against the craggy peaks with a sickening splatter that was predominantly drowned out by the roar of the wind and the surging crash of the ocean.

As his brain split into several pieces and all neurological function ceased, Edward's grip on the kite was relinquished, allowing the kite to fly free to ascend to the heavens while Edward's soul drifts to limbo (Because neither Heaven or Hell wants him.)

The storm lasts for several days, but there are no reports of casualties, not even property damage. With relatively no effects from the storm life resumes quickly and the storm is forgotten along with the corpse smudged into the cliff-face.

* * *

><p>19 – <strong>Jungle Fever<strong>

With money to burn and no discernible interests aside from the bathroom mirror, Edward decided to splurge his ill-gotten earnings on an over-seas holiday. Whilst struggling to decide where to go a radio in the kitchen blares out the song 'Africa' by Toto and that pretty much cinches it.

After a long exhausting plane ride Edward arrives in Africa where-upon he instantly faints and is hospitalised for dehydration.

The next day Edward is released, but being far from 100% Edward abstains from any activities for another day.

On the third day of a holiday which was turning out to be a painful waste of money Edward decides to milk his African holiday for all it's worth and goes out on safari. Unfortunately never being one to pay attention to anyone other than himself Edward quickly loses sight of the tour guide and the entire group and is left stranded in the wilderness.

Stumbling around without a clue Edward stops by a river and gets a drink. Squatting by the water's edge to dunk his face under he takes little notice of the large object floating listlessly towards him, too engrossed in his brilliantly sparkling reflection on the water's surface. In fact it isn't until Edward began to wash his hands that he realises a set of metre-long jaws are snapping down on them.

He only manages to wrench one hand out of harm's way, the other unfortunately remaining within the crocodile's strike zone. With unimaginable force, the mighty jaws crash down upon his arm, the bones in his upper-arm shattering under the impact. Edward screams as a bloody game of tug-of-war ensues. Unable to pry the reptilian beast's mouth open Edward's resistance only tears the decimated muscle fibres in his arm and severs the limb completely.

The croc glides back into the water to play with the arm whilst Edward is flung back by the momentum of his struggles. Edward has never screamed as high or as loud as this day, staring down at the gushing stump where his left arm used to be.

Remembering what Bear Grylls would do in such a situation, Edward immediately jumps to his feet and runs around blindly, crying hysterically, bladder explosively discharging, arm (Note the lack of the 's') flailing wildly. It is no surprise when he bumps into something.

The only surprise however is the thick bushy mane and body built like a rock.

Edward never was a cat person...They always hiss at him.

This one didn't. It just swiped him with a paw the size of a baseball glove and crushed a few ribs, knocking the air out of the wounded vampire. Edward's forcefully exhaled breath escapes in a bloody mist as he is thrown against a tree trunk.

As he struggled to breathe the lion lazily rose to its feet and stared down with piqued curiosity at its squirming prey. It even cocked its head in puzzlement at the feeble requests of the vampire, offering to give the lion money in exchange for sparing his life.

Unfortunately the negotiations are lost in translation (Who would have thought?) and the lion latches onto Edward's right thigh, teeth as sharp as knives sinking through what little meat there is on his boy thighs. Edward slaps the beast furiously and cries out for help but the only saving grace is the lion's dissatisfaction with the meal.

Edward is spat out into the tall grass and left for dead as the lion throws up and returns to sleep.

Knowing full well that without treatment he could die, Edward limps aimlessly in the direction he guesses home to be. A trail of blood drains out behind him like the string Theseus used to escape the labyrinth, but rather than escape the monsters of the African wilderness it only draws them nearer.

Vultures circle up above in the sky, screeching and wailing. Hyena bound alongside, just waiting for him to drop down dead, giggling and cackling madly. The cheetah prepare to pounce, stalking through the long grasses with stealth.

Edward sobs and laments his choice of holiday, swearing to himself that if he ever escapes with his life he'll go to Australia since the wildlife there are much safer. Unfortunately his journey comes to an end upon stepping on a long curved stick.

Only it wasn't a stick...

In his already weakened state the Black Mamba's venom easily wears him down and destroys his nervous system. Brought to the ground, the silent signal to the scavengers rings out, and as the beasts fight over the right to feed Edward slowly loses consciousness and finally falls into a deep sleep...

Several weeks later conservationists are concerned at the large number of animals dying of food poisoning in the wilds of Africa. Whilst damaging the ecosystem, conservation efforts stabilise the populations and ensure their survival. Though the same can't be said for the bleached white bones scattered across the plains.

* * *

><p>20 – <strong>Jungle Fever (In the Literal Sense)<strong>

Edward goes on holiday to Africa, but is bedridden the entire time. Having been bitten by a mosquito near the river Edward contracts Malaria and dies in agony. Despite the existence of an antidote, doctors refuse to waste their precious materials on him.

The body is dumped in the river and subsequently devoured by all the friendly creatures in the water.

Within weeks the UN carries out one of its largest aid operations ever, rewarding the African nations for their work. Since Africa has stamped out the Western World's most concerning problem the West returns the favour and puts an end to the poverty in Africa.

* * *

><p><span>Well boys and girls we've been having talks with Alucard's people and as alway's he's on board for slaughtering the worlds most hated vampire but due to the fact that Alucard is using his vacation days in South America at the moment he'll be a little late. But don't fret, he'll be here very soon. In the meantime how about a review. Whether it's a request, a pat on the back or a flaming bag of dog shit and a heart-felt message about how I'd fail the psychological test to become a cop, tell me what you think!<span>


	5. 21 to 25

__Hey there, it's Alex's friend The Layman, bringing you more mutual hatred of the creature that ruined Vampires, Edward Culllen! Get ready for the encore performance of the Gears of War kid, as well as a couple characters from the wildly popular DBZA. Well, let's begin!__

**21. ******Re-armed****

You know you all missed him, so he's back; the Gear of War kid! And this time he as a brand spanking new One-Shot gun from GOW 3! Seriously, this thing was even bigger than the Longshot rifle, and had even stomping power to boot!

And guess who has the [not really] honor of being his target?

That's right! The sparkly faggot vampire that everyone loves to hate, Edward Cullen!

Because the darn thing was supposed to freaking powerful (the gun, not Gayward) he'd decided to take the show on the road.

Meaning he was waiting for Edward to leave his own house before blowing his head off so as not to devalue any adjacent properties (which included his. ...he really had to move one of these days).

Fortunately Edward had a Convention, so the kid followed him. He took up a position on the building next to the convention center and tried to get a bead on the sparkliest thing around.

It didn't take long, and once the cross hairs were aligned over the Fairy's head, pulled the trigger.

Edward exploded in a spectacular orgy of blood. (All of him, not just his head.)

**22. ******The Shark has been Jumped****

Fed up with his hated archenemy always regenerating (and since he was moving in a couple days anyways), he'd sent out for the Ultimate Weapon of Awesomeness.

The Hammer of Dawn.

Just itching to try it out, he put it the batteries and hurried outside to fry his target.

With the sparkly [creature who calls himself a] vampire located (he was sunning himself again), the kid pulled the trigger, firing a targeting laser at Edward's disgustingly pale chest.

"Hmm?" Edward said, lifting his sunglasses to get a better look at the red spot that appeared on his person, "What the-"

And he was disintegrated by a giant ass laserbeam from space!

There wasn't even any cinders to preform an autopsy with. (Or for the fangirls to build shrines to.)

When the kid eventually settled into his new home he told everyone of his deeds before his move and was hailed as a hero and had a statue erected in his honor.

His holy work was done.

**23. ******Goku****

We currently find our (farthest thing from a) hero wandering around somewhere in the not too distant future of earth. How he survived that long to begin with no one could even begin fathom, but that's not entirely pertinent to the story right now. Anyways, Edward Cullen was just walking down the street, minding his own business, when he happened upon a man. He was a rather odd looking man (well, at least to Edward anyways…) in that most of his body mass seemed to be made entirely out of muscle. Oh yeah, and his weird spiky hair. Having nothing better to do, (not that he could think of anything better if he tried, either), he decided to go up and introduce himself to the man.

"Exscuse me?" Edward said in an effeminate voice that could make homosexuals cringe. "Who are you?"

"I'm Goku," the man replied before giving Edward a questioning look. "Who are you? Oh! Are you a fairy?"

Boy, did he hit the nail on the head or what, folks?

"No, I'm not a fairy," Edward explained, "I am the mightiest of all vampires! Though I don't drink human blood."

"…Are you __sure__you're not a fairy?" Goku pressed.

"Yes!" Edward exasperated. "Why does everyone always think that?"

"Whatever you say, Mr. Fairy."

Then something dawned on Earth's mother powerful warrior

__I could really go for some cheese fries right about now…__

Then he remembered something that Edward had said before.

"So you're supposed to be the mightiest of all vampires. Does that mean you're really strong?"

"Well _of course_!"

"Perfect!" Goku was practically ecstatic; he hadn't had a decent opponent to fight against in a long time. (Little did he know that Edward was weaker than Krillin, but then that would be getting head of the story, wouldn't it?)

"I mean it's only natural that- wait, what?" the pansy said as Goku started to charge up his signature attack.

"Ka…Me…"

"Um, what are you doing?..."

"Ha…Me…"

"Oh, bleep…" (That's right folks; Edward's too much of a pussy to even swear properly.)

"HA!" With the final shout Goku unleashed a blast of deadly, baby blue energy at the "vampire" with a fetish for staring at teenage girls in their sleep, sending him flying right over the curvature of the earth.

After his shrill, girlish scream faded into the distance, a little twinkle appeared in the spot where Edward had vanished.

"I knew he was a fairy!" Goku said resolutely as he was presented with undeniable proof that he had gotten it right, "He sparkled!"

**24. ******Vegeta****

Surprisingly, Edward was not dead yet. (Don't worry; I'm building up to something here.) He was, however, about to make a rapid encounter with the next person who would beat him to a bloody pulp.

Namely; Vegeta's back.

"Hey!" Vegeta yelled after the impact, "Who the hell threw that piece of paper at me?!" He looked down and saw Edward sniveling on the ground at his feet. "Oh, never mind, it's just a fairy."

_I'm not a fairy…__, _Edward complained. Not out loud mind you. (Probably the only halfway smart decision he makes in the entire story.)

"Who the hell are you anyway?" Vegeta 'asked'.

"I'm Edward Cullen!" Edward said in a cheery voice. "I'm basically the vegetarian equivalent of a vampire."

_Is he serious? _Vegeta wondered. "I don't know why, but I'm getting a really strong urge to blow you the crap out of here."

Edward whimpered, not liking where this was going.

"And you know what?" he said with a maniacal grin, "I think I'm just gonna go with it."

Edward gulped.

_Hard_.

Vegeta then lifted two of his fingers in front of him, and some of the large rocks in the area began to levitate behind him.

"Um, what's going on?" the sparkly fairy asked dumbly.

"I'm about the 'rock' you," the Saiyan prince said, "like a _hurricane_."

"Oh _please,_ that was so corn_EEEEEeeeeeeeee!" _Edward squealed as the boulders slammed into his fragile body, sending him sailing into the stratosphere.

"Tch," Vegeta scoffed, "Freaky Alien Genotype.

**25. ****Mr. Popo**

Edward was entirely surrounded by darkness. It wasn't just a "squint until your eyes adjust to it" kind of darkness, or even the "OK, squinting isn't working; time to break out the flashlight" kind.

No, this was utter, total _black_ in every single direction.

Needless to say, the puny little vampire wannabe was trying his best not to wet himself in fear.

...he wasn't succeeding.

Suddenly he heard the sound of ominous chuckling off in the distance, filling him with ever more fear than before. (Also emptying something from him as well, making his pants feel squishy.)

He then felt a presence unlike anything he felt in his entire [pathetic] life. He turned around to-

"_Hiiiiiiiiiii."_

Owari.

**_[_****_Back to you, Alex!]_**

And so I have returned! Hope you guys had fun while I stepped out of the writers chair for a moment to greet the long awaited guest: Alucard the No Life King! Yes it's official, Alucard will be with us next time for a little game we like to call 'clean the stain on the earth by ironically splattering it's various bodily tissues and fluids across the world!' But you know, since it's a long name for a game we just call it justice!

Look forward to it and definitely don't miss it! Now be a good kid and write something in that pretty little box down there...


	6. 26 Special - No-Life-King

**26 – SPECIAL: No-Life King**

Here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for! Enjoy and review!

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><p>The next Twilight movie is released in cinemas world-wide and the craze that had almost subsided returns in full force as fan obsession moves beyond expectation. The spell that had waned in it's idle time had now strengthened itself a hundredfold granting the cast an unnatural level of power. Their legion of minions have become utterly possessed and stand as a threatening force against all culture, society and civilisation.<p>

For mankind to advance itself and continue to evolve, this threat must be stopped!

At any cost!

Thankfully Alucard is cheap.

At the behest of the queen - whose stomach troubles were pushed off into the realms of obscurity under the weight of the media attention for Twilight – Hellsing was given the order to destroy what is believed to be the epicentre of this destructive force.

One who goes by the name of Edward Cullen.

Integra relayed the order to her loyal blood-sucking servant, who towered over her. Upon hearing the request his giant frame swooped down to the floor in a deep bow, his flowing red trench coat dancing with his movements. With one gloved hand over his heart and the other tucked behind his back, Alucard lowered his head and spoke in voice like thunder.

"As you wish."

When he raised his head, Alucard's lips had curled back into a wicked snarl. Wicked fangs more befitting a beast gleamed in the rare glimpses of moonlight splayed through the high tinted windows. The demon chuckled, a sound so deep and fearsome as to betray the very nature of laughter itself. His resounding laughter echoed throughout the room even as the red-coat demon sank through the floor and vanished.

Integra stared at the vacant spot on the floor where the No-Life-King's great looming shadow once resided and sighed. The aged butler beside her offered a cigar which she snatched away and hastily lit up. With a long drawn out drag, her face scrunched up into a scowl, softening as she unleashed a smoke-smothered exhale.

"I pray that Alucard doesn't get too carried away with this mission..."

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><p>Edward was sunbathing under the shade of an umbrella at the beach on the California coast. The sand was nowhere in sight, all claimed by the pale tiny feet of his prepubescent followers who assembled around him in an unholy mass. Some waved large leaves over him (from where they procured them nobody will ever know...) while others massaged his feet and shoulders, crying the entire time for getting the chance to caress his pale oily flesh (To each their own I suppose...) All the others simply stood around fawning over him with drool dripping inelegantly down their chins. Similarly, all of them were screaming and wailing and making a scene that could be seen from space.<p>

What looked like a tropical cyclone gathering on the coast from satellite images was actually just a cloud of faux-pale pretend vampire wannabe children, looking for acceptance from an actor who really couldn't give two shits about how unique and interesting you are despite the fact that nobody likes you, or the fact that you follow a trend thousands of others are following.

Edward took a deep inhale, sucking the not-so-pleasant aroma of a thousand underdeveloped teens sweating like pigs and crying rivers while standing in non-silent vigil over their mysteriously crowned idol.

I am a king!

So Edward thought as he stretched his lanky arms and leaned back in his lawn chair crafted from bikini-clad youths.

**_A king you say? You call this castle built on sand a kingdom? You are but nothing! You are one with the grains of sand on which you stand._**

Edward's eyes shot open as he scanned what he could of the beach, which wasn't much. He thought he was surrounded by girls, but that was definitely a male voice. As deep as the ocean floor, the voice had resonated within his skull. Frightened he rose to his feet so he could clearly see over the heads of his little soldiers.

**_Kings are known to be powerful. Show me the extent of your power, child of the shade!_**

Edward wasn't sure what that meant, but nonetheless he stood on top of his lawn-chair and waved a hand to his children.

"Arise my children! Obey me! Worship me! Dance!"

Suddenly every single one of the several thousand girls started doing a strange horse-riding pantomime and speaking in tongues oh wait, no it's Korean...

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Behold my power!" Edward yelled to the skies since...Well he wasn't sure where to look. He'd never seen so many bouncing washboards in his life. Nor had he spotted the owner of the voice.

**_You call this power? Fool! Show me what you really can do!_**

Edward cursed and waved to his followers again. "Dance harder!"

Suddenly they all procured motorcycle helmets and had some sort of seizure. Looking like a bunch of pissed up Down's Syndrome patients they flung their limbs about randomly in an attempt to dance which only really counted as dancing in the technicality that to define dance is to move with music. Though such movements were so ridiculously stupid that even toddlers would be embarrassed to do them.

"Do you see? The ultimate Harlem Shake!"

**_FOOL!_**

The voice was so loud it made Edward's ears bleed and knocked him to the ground. The dancing stopped instantly and the motorcycle helmets disappeared. Now the girls were hissing like feral cats.

**_You do not understand the meaning of power. Behold, allow me to enlighten you to the might of a true walker of the night. _**

The sky turned red.

It's too early for the sunset, thought Edward, staring up at the blood red haze drowning the sky above while the rolling blue waves turned an insidious solid black. Edward dug his hands and feet into the sand which began to writhe about beneath him.

Looking down he found maggots crawling all over him.

The shrill piercing screams of thousands of girls made the earth shake, but it was a minute feat in comparison to this transformed dream-scape of unimaginable terror.

"What the hell is this?!" Edward cried as the black water began to float up into the air and coalesce into the vague shape of a human being. Glowing red eyes and a bone white grin greeted him as the man hovered above the water and settled down in a cleared out space where the girls had retreated from their master.

"I am Alucard, the No-Life King." so he said in that same menacingly deep voice, "And this," he spread his arms impossibly wide, each limb stretching to the length of a man, "this is my power!"

Edward was hyperventilating. In a panic he extended his hand towards the monster and roared, "Go my children! Get rid of him!"

And so the mass of most literally children rushed forth towards the monstrous figure, but all who came near him froze on the spot, blocking the entry for those in the ranks behind them. Alucard's eyes seemed to be glowing as he moved his hands about before him, fingers dancing as if playing an invisible piano. After a moment the ring of fan-girls around the beast spun on their heels and lunged at those immediately behind them, pushing them to the ground, beating them and even feasting upon them.

Edward wasn't the only one to scream at the sight of girls as young as ten and twelve gouging out the eyes of their friends and gnawing away at faces as if they were a delicious steak. The ravenous slaughter ensued as Alucard continued his strange piano-playing movements. More of the girls were becoming rabid fan-girls in a much more literal sense, devolving into primal animals and feasting upon the others.

In no time hundreds of corpses had mounted upon the beaches of California while a small portion, drenched in blood with gibbets of flesh stuck between their baby teeth, remained in a tight defensive circle around the fearsome vampire.

Edward still had a good thousand of his minions left standing, but already the rear flanks were running for their lives and even those at the front would back up with each step taken by their possessed counterparts.

It seemed that though his fan-girls would cry and moan and fight each other just to get to hold his hand, but none were willing to die for the sappy, worthless piece of shit he truly was.

Edward may have been surrounded but he had never felt so alone.

Through his eyes all he could see was a barren beach around him and Alucard standing in the distance, smiling menacingly.

"Do you see? This is power! This is the might of a true vampire!"

"No! This is madness! You're a freak! A freak!" Edward whimpered.

"Mad?" Alucard chuckled, his laughter drowning out the sound of the crashing waves and the frenzied screams of the fan-girls. Everything turned to silence as Alucard's booming laughter filled the air. "MAD?! But of course! To pass beyond the realms of the impossible, one must leave his sanity behind! Only then, is anything possible!"

His laughter continued as the possessed girls all collapsed without warning, their skin shrivelled and wrapped tight around bare bones, skin discoloured and lifeless. It was as if they had all been sucked dry.

It was then that Edward noticed the thick rivulets of blood coursing from each of the dead children pumping and throbbing like veins as they flowed across the sand across to Alucard. Absorbing the life essence of each and every one of his slain puppets Alucard's murderous grin grew wider.

"Are you familiar with the term regicide?" he asked as if as an afterthought.

Edward stared at his foe in confusion.

Such a reaction only brought a sadistic smile to his face. "It means, to kill a king. Unfortunately you are no king and so no such honour shall be gained. You are but an insignificant child. Your boasting and arrogance inflate your image to that of a man but behind your mask is a terrified little infant. Do you know what that means?"

Edward crawled backwards across the sand, intermittently scouting for pawns to use, only to find that all of his minions had either fled the beach or were lying in pieces around him. Tears streamed down his cheeks as Alucard calmly and slowly stalked his prey.

"This...Is infanticide."

Edward was dragged out, kicking and screaming into the murky black depths just off the shore. His screams may have pierced the heavens but there was no escape from Alucard's hellish domain. Pulled under and dragged to the bottom Edward could no longer utter a word as he was torn limb from limb by the unseen forces beneath the black waves.

The very next day, when the sky had cleared and the water was once again a sparkling blue and the sand was just sand, a body was washed up on the shore. Riddled with maggots, drained of blood and barely held together by flimsy scraps of flesh, the body was barely recognisable. It was only after the teeth were forensically analysed that it was reported that Edward Cullen was dead. According to the media, he had drowned, and most believed it to be true.

But one man knew the truth...And as he read the paper that morning a wicked, fanged grin spread across his pallid face, whilst licking his lips with a pointed tongue and a deep rippling laugh filled the catacombs of the Hellsing manor.


End file.
